jesser

Meditation has become a thing. I think in the same way that yoga and pilates and barre class and spin class all seriously had their moments, so now does meditation. Everyone is talking about it to the point now when someone brings it up, you just kind of roll your eyes and continue on with your day.

But you can’t escape hearing about the supposed amazing benefits that come with meditation which have even (largely) been backed up by science: 

• better focus
• less anxiety
• better immune system
• improved emotional well-being
• and on and on and on 

If you read all of the info out there and even half of it is true, I’m pretty sure your car will wash itself and your children will be straight-A angels with enough meditation. 

I’ve personally had a checkered past with meditation. I am slightly hyper-active and do not do well sitting still. I also tend to fill my days and carving out even 5 minutes to sit and be present isn’t really in my nature. Frankly, even if I wanted to do it, I would usually forget. 

But still, the meditation talk keeps surfacing and it’s hard to ignore. But the most compelling reason I’ve found to meditate came from a book called The Willpower Instinct. This book is all about practical ways to improve willpower and a great read in and of itself. But what it said about meditation was great – just trying to meditate, even if it doesn’t feel successful is successful. 

Say you sit down to meditate for 5 minutes and in those five minutes, you spend about 30 seconds thinking about your breathing, another 45 thinking about that cool dog you saw and oh yea, your own dog needs a bath and brush and where did the kids put the hairbrush that’s supposed to live in the swim bag and do we have swimming next week? Oh wait, I’m supposed to be meditating, yes, ohm, back to the breathing. Rinse and repeat for the next 2 minutes. I’m sure someone out there can relate.

But the cool thing is that every time you pull your mind back to your breath or whatever you’re focusing on in the present, you are training yourself as though it’s a muscle you have to build. 

So this is why, every morning before I work out, I’ve been making a conscious effort to spend 5-10 minutes in meditation – sometimes guided, sometimes just music or sitting or whatever. I can’t say I feel great at it, but maybe I’m better? Or if not at least it’s training my brain.

But the last couple of days, I’ve found another activity that I think produces some of the same “must be present to win” mentality. Playing the piano.

Off and on for the past few years, I’ve been working on playing the piano again. I played for years in my youth and while I enjoyed it, I wasn’t into making the huge commitment to it that my (slightly crazy) piano teacher demanded. I also didn’t feel like playing the thousand sonatinas she wanted me to play – I wanted to play music that was fun/meaningful to me. So between that and lack of regular access to an instrument during college, I pretty much abandoned it. 

So slowly, in fits and starts, I’ve regained some of my piano prowess. I recently took on learning a Chocobo piece (this is not a little-known composer, but a video-game related composition – Final Fantasy – anyone?). It’s pretty complex, but I’ve made great headway with it.

But, I absolutely fall apart playing it if I’m even the littlest bit distracted. I suppose that in and of itself isn’t surprising, but I think the implication is important. I must be present, focused, and in flow to play well and because I am training my brain to stay in that focused, flow state to play, I am kind of meditating.

I don’t think I’m saying that it replaces my other practice, but I do love the idea that playing the piano is helping train my mind. One more reason to play. 

Times were, my design style could have been described as “more is more.” Bright colors – lots of them. Fonts – as many as I could make work, the crazier the better … and the whole page filled. And while I can still go a little crazy sometimes, my style is much more subdued these days. I’ve learned to embrace the whitespace.

And so has it been with our lives over the past few weeks. After an exceptionally crazy last few months that included that crazy week I described in my last post, it’s been calmer. And I been loving it.

We’ve spent a LOT of time at home. We’ve actively avoided making plans (so unlike us). There’s been more cooking, baking, watercoloring, piano playing, dog-park going, neighborhood walking and movie watching.

I also love that it’s given me more time for thinking, not just reacting. I’ve been able to look at what’s going on in my life and actually have some breathing room to assess and think and reflect. I have been able to make some improvements and tackle some projects that will make my life easier. All still while enjoying some quiet moments. 

The calendar for the whole coming month looks mercifully blank. Just a few events. December is a bit of a ramp-up, and I know we’ll probably be spending more weekends in the new year attempting to make good use of our ski passes, but I’m committing to finding a little more balance and continuing to embrace the whitespace. 

Last week was in some ways much like any other week. Some highs. Some lows. But these peaks and valleys were on a rather different amplitude than it sometimes otherwise feels like they are.

We went to urgent care two days in a row. Once for a human, once for a dog. I rolled out one of the bigger higher profile projects I’ve worked on recently. I got to make a big donation to a cause that matters to me. My beloved 10 year old car started leaking a lot of oil. 

With each of these lows, there was a corresponding relief that came too. My husband’s visit to urgent care (pneumonia) and his follow up visit two days later that included x-rays and six different prescriptions cost us under $100. Yay for amazing healthcare.

Cocoa was not only just fine – our primary concern – but we had over $1000 set aside to cover such puppy-related emergencies. So while we’ll have to cash flow a portion of the bill, we’re miles ahead of where we might otherwise be and we’re very fortunate to be in the position to not have to choose between our dog’s health and our own four walls. 

Again, with the car, we have set aside money for car expenses and will hopefully be able to cover whatever repairs my car needs. We are also capable of being a single-car family for a short period of time as Matt does not commute and the kids take the bus. So it’ll be OK. Also, it didn’t give me problems on any of the longer-than-usual drives I made this week!

And in the midst of these, ahem, difficulties, there was lots of good stuff. Matt looking a heckofalot better. Cocoa coming home and celebrating her first birthday. Ben snuggling up on the couch with me to read Calvin and Hobbes. Tabby taking on a 5+ hour shift at our library’s used book sale like a CHAMP, rated by a crew captain as more helpful than many adults. Projects for work that went overall really well. 

I will be the first to admit that I am a little worn out by this week. I think that “high amplitude” weeks of either variety or both have that effect. But I really am super grateful to be safely home with my lovely family who are all (semi-miraculously) in good health. 

I am a planner. It’s how I make sense of my crazy life. If you look at my calendar, you’ll find that most of my weekend plans are scheduled at least a month out and other events, particularly vacations. It helps me keep control of things and maximize my precious spare time. 

It’s got lots of pros, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t decidedly some cons. I frequently end up feeling like I rush from activity to activity and am more or less ruled by my to-do list and other, seemingly endless productivity systems. I keep many different calendars, endless lists and reminders and pages of notes. 

So lately, I’ve been thinking about Felix Felicis.

Wait, what? 

Hang in there with me. I’m going somewhere with this. In case you don’t know, Felix Felicis is a magical potion from the Harry Potter series. It first appears in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince when Professor Slughorn gives it away as a prize for brewing the best potion on the first day of class. He describes it as, “Desperately tricky to make, and disastrous to get wrong. However, if brewed correctly, as this has been, you will find that all your endeavours tend to succeed … at least until the effects wear off.”

Harry ends up using his bottle of “liquid luck” to retrieve a very important memory from the aforementioned Slughorn. But the way in which the luck unfolds is actually quite interesting. Rather than being able to simply walk into Slughorn’s office, Felix leads Harry through a series of seemingly inconsequential whims, revealing  the plan only one step at a time, that ultimately coalesce into the perfect circumstances to achieve his goal where his more direct means or plan had failed.

There is something very lovely about this … the idea that taking the next right step, repeatedly, leads you to where you want to go … whether or not you know exactly where this is. There’s something comforting about this. Yo you don’t have to know the whole picture, the big picture, you just have to make one decision or take one opportunity and then another and see what happens.

Lots of things in my life have been leading me this direction, lately. I recently drove home from Durango, CO after a long weekend there with the family. As Matt was suffereing big time from what we would learn later that day was pneumonia, the driving fell to me. This isn’t typical. Usually, because I spend many hours each week commuting and he doesn’t, he does the long drives on the weekend.

We decided to leave super early to beat a snowstorm heading in and so I drove for the first couple of hours in pitch black not really being able to see more than a hundred yards in front of me. I had to continuously monitor weather conditions and watch for deer (they were everywhere!) and while it wasn’t my favorite thing I’ve done lately, it was completely manageable as I just focused on the road I could see and keeping everyone safe. 

I also recently read Off the Clock by Laura Vanderkam. In her book, which mostly talks about how to make yourself feel like you have all the time in the world, talks specifically about the strategy of doing small right things over and over to achieve an outcome you want. Want to run every day? Make the commitment so ridiculously doable (1 mile, even half a mile) that you would feel silly for not doing it. 

And then, I stumbled across a podcast. It is literally called The Next Right Thing. It’s actually in the Christianity Category and that isn’t something that I’m regularly drawn to. I gave this a listen on the whim, purely based on the title and it is so great. It’s based entirely on this notion and small steps you can take to help you take that next right step. Additionally, the host, Emily and her whole manner are super soothing and just nice. 

I’d like to have some great point to all this … a way to wrap it up in a little bow that looks neat and pretty. But really, I’m just ruminating on this idea and looking to take the next right step every day. 

Today, during a fairly routine encounter with my boss, he revealed to me that one of the things that I struggle with the most (like on a daily basis), he considers to be one of my strengths – organization. 

See, organization is totally a learned skill for me. I think that if you had spent any time with me as a child, you would have never thought that I would grow into an adult who was considered to be an above-average organizer. My third grade teacher was in despair over the state of my cubby, my inability to turn in assignments on time and … well me in general. 

Her disapproval, especially when I had never before encountered anything but praise from teachers was startling. But it made an impact and this was the start of a long progression towards me being having to learn to keep myself organized. Luckily, I also have an above-average memory and for years, I was able to leverage it to keep my shit together. 

Slowly though as I aged and added family members and *ahem* aged, I had to come up with even more systems, habits and routines to keep everything together. Trust me when I say that it’s a huge deal and I spend lots of time not only working on it, but also thinking about it. 

Anyhow, even though I’ve done all this work on this particular skill (one that, by the way, I think is something everyone needs), deep down, I still have all these crazy doubts about myself and my ability. In this arena, for sure, but also in some others. 

So I got to thinking about how hard it is for adults, particularly women, to have great confidence in their abilities. We tend to minimize our abilities and brush off compliments and we need to cut it out and remind ourselves of our strengths and take pride in the fruits of our hard work.

I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of the things that I’m good at, no qualifications, no minimizing. 

1. Organization!!
2. Mental math and well math in general 
3. Handling money
4. Keeping my commitments
5. Writing
6. Design & graphics
7. Cooking 
8. Scheduling
9. Making & keeping goals
10. Drinking my water 
11. Hosting parties
12. Planning events
13. Public speaking 
14. Photography
15. Delegation
16. Training Cocoa 
17. Programming 
18. Data analytics 

I think this might really be a fun activity to do with my Girl Scouts. They are in the tricky tween stage and I notice becoming a bit more unsure of themselves. They all have strengths and even non-strengths that they can develop and I’d love to help them realize that.