Monday at the Gym

I usually go to step class on Monday mornings. I like to think it gets my week started off right. Usually we have the same person teach it. I don't know her name. She told me once … didn't stick. Anyhoo, today we had someone new. I don't know what her name is, but I'll forever think of her as Ms. Nasal. Her voice was about a half-step below Fran Drescher on the annoyance scale. Plus, as she's an aerobics instructor, she's perky. So combine perky with nasal and you have my step teacher from this morning. ARGH! It was awful. Oh yea, did I mention her choreography sucked?

Anyhow, after 45 min of Ms. Nasal, I could take no more and bailed. I think they were about to start the pointless “sculpting” bit anyhow, which I never do. So I left to lift weights. I was in a pensive mood today and so I started analyzing everyone around me. For posterity's sake, here is a rough classification of weight lifters:Don't Really Need to Be Here, Trophyus wifus
This specimen is female and marked by perfect … well everything. Nails, hair, and an outfit that was designed to match. Even the shoes and ankle socks match the rest. They have not a speck of sweat on them, largely because they don't really do much. They hop from machine to machine doing about three reps. You can tell they haven't got a clue because they'll use two or three machines in a row that, while slightly different (i.e. manufacturer, color), work basically the same muscle group in the same manner. For them, working out is more about being socially acceptable rather than a desire to gain muscle mass. Plus, they can leave the kids in the daycare for a couple of hours.

Woa? When did we hit 2000?, Decades latus
This specimen, usually male, is marked by his clothing. A typical outfit usually consists of gaudy parachute pants and an ill-fitting tank-top sporting some bizarro design. His hair is longer and possibly permed. Earrings are common. This guy lifts with a vengeance, usually while listening to Styx and REO Speedwagon on his walkman. You can be sure he has Miami Vice Tivoed.

Aren't I Cute?, Hoggus machinus
This specimen, usually female, is a sort of variation on Trophyus wifus — perhaps her little sister. Hoggus machinus is usually somewhat younger than Trophyus wifus and comes to the gym exclusively to pick up guys. She sits at a machined doing many many reps with very little weight for as long as 30 minutes. Pickup artiste, described below, flocks to her to chit-chat and compliment her.

Come Here Often?, Pickup artiste
This specimen is usually male. He enjoys a modicum of time lifting, to keep up his usually impecable physique and spends the rest of the time checking out the ladies. Pickup artiste tend to work in flocks and much competition comes into their conquests for Hoggus machinus.

Whassat, sonny?
This breed, marked by their grey hair and odd choices in wardrobe can be sub-divided into two classes: Grayus cluedinus and Grayus clueless. Grayus cluedinus knows what she's doing and has been donig it for years. God help you if you get in her way. She is there at the same time every single day wearing the same outfit. She executes the same routine in the same way narry a change.
Grayus clueless on the otherhand has no idea what he's doing here. Perhaps his kids suggested he come and work out. Perhaps his doctor said the cholesterol level is too high. Who knows? But he's there and he's going to make a minor effort. He'll walk slowly from machine to machine playing with the adjustments, sometimes getting them correct enough to successfully do a few reps. Grayus clueless, with practice and instruction, may morph into Grayus cluedinus.